Thursday, July 22, 2010

Foods you should keep in case of an emergency


I’ve just been reading an article about what types of foods you should stockpile in preparation for a catastrophic disaster. While I'm in general agreement with the list, I'm not entirely happy with the accompanying explanations.

Something that's not mentioned, for example, is that you’ll almost certainly use loads of energy crapping yourself just before the planet disintegrates. For this reason, high-energy, high-protein foods (with loads of fibre!!!) should be at the top of the list.

Let's face it, in a disaster situation, you need calories. You need nutrients and fibre - something to keep your diet normal. After all, maintaining a good diet will be the first thing on your mind as you watch your home being swallowed by a gigantic mile-deep fissure that has just appeared where your front lawn used to be.

And as you’re hanging by your fingernails on the edge of the precipice looking down into the blackness, you’ll be wishing that you hadn’t skipped your usual bowl of All-Bran that morning.

What the fuck! Who needs All-Bran when you’ll be shitting yourself stupid as imminent death looms?

So here are a few things that you should always keep in your pantry if you know for a fact that the world is going to end before lunch:

• Peanut butter: A great source of energy, peanut butter is full of healthful fats and protein. Unless the jar indicates otherwise, you don’t even have to keep it in the fridge after opening … (which is just as well because the fridge is now at the bottom of that gigantic fissure along with the rest of your house. Having said that, if you’d eaten a whole jar of the stuff that morning, you’d be so constipated by now that you wouldn’t be crapping yourself before plummeting into the abyss.)

• Whole-wheat crackers: A good, light-weight, high-fibre replacement for bread … (with that all-essential higher fat content that you’ll need just before you die). Make sure you check the box for expiration dates, though. Whole-grain crackers have a shorter shelf life than their plain counterparts … (so they wouldn’t be much fucking use in the afterlife if they expire before you do!!!).

Nuts and trail mixes: Make sure that you stock up on these high-energy foods. Look for vacuum-packed containers which prevent the nuts from oxidizing and losing their freshness … (after all, you don’t want this to happen as a nuclear winter instantaneously freezes you – and everything around you – to a temperature close to absolute zero).

Cereal: Farting is healthy and might save your life. As you’re hanging on the edge of the precipice, a good fart might just flip you back up again. If, on the other hand, your fate lies in death by freezing, farting may well provide you with enough heat to keep you alive for a further 10 seconds. So make sure you stock plenty of high-fibre, multigrain cereals that are individually packaged so they don’t become stale after opening.

Granola bars and power bars: These portable snacks are healthy, filling and usually stay fresh for at least 6 months … (so there’s no need to panic if your life is about to end).

Dried fruits: In the absence of fresh fruit, dried fruits provide you with a significant amount of nutrients and calories … (which you’re going to need now that your home is at the bottom of a massive crack in the earth, everyone you know is dead, the temperature has dropped to minus 85 Celsius, and you’re standing alone in your underpants on a snow-swept sheet of ice that stretches for thousands of miles in every direction. Fuck!).

Canned tuna, salmon, chicken, or turkey: These generally last at least two years in the pantry … (which, don’t forget, is now smashed to smithereens at least one mile below your dangling feet). Keep in mind, however, that vacuum-packed pouches have a much shorter shelf life … (which might be more suitable now that your own life is about to end!).

• Canned vegetables, soups and chilli: When fresh produce isn’t an option because the whole planet is covered in two miles of ice and you’re the only survivor, canned varieties can provide you with essential nutrients. Also keep in mind that soups and chilli can be eaten straight from the can, which is always useful to know when you’re totally and utterly fucked! But make sure you look for low-sodium options. Too much salt is bad for you.

And last but not least …

Bottled water: Try to stock at least a three-day supply. You’ll need to drink at least six litres of water as your fingertips begin to lose their grip on the edge of the precipice. An average person (is there such a thing?) should drink at least 2 litres of water a day; but now that you’re fighting for your life and shitting bricks, you’ll want to keep your fluid balance in check. There’s no point in dying of thirst, is there?

Oops! Almost forgot …

Sugar, salt and pepper: No catastrophic disaster would be worth the experience without these basic ingredients in your stockpile. After all, if you’re going to die of starvation, it might as well taste good!

And finally (I really mean it this time) …

Don’t forget to include a good supply of Multivitamins Supplements. They’ll help to replace the nutrients you’ll lose after you hit the bottom of that fissure at 200 miles an hour.

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