Thursday, July 29, 2010

Congratulations, Catalonia. You've banned bullfighting

Hopefully scenes like the one above will soon be a thing of the past. I don't give a fuck if bullfighting has been an integral part of Spanish culture for centuries. Killing animals for entertainment is unforgivable. I just hope that certain dumb fucks in Spain's central government don't succeed in overruling Catalonia's decision.

Watch this space.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

IKEA - you can't go wrong

The beauty of IKEA is that if you move home, there's almost certainly going to be a store within an hour's drive of wherever you move to ... virtually anywhere in the world. This means that you can sell your bed, then buy the same one again. And you can keep on doing this forever and ever (or at least every time you move).

Of course, you're going to lose money ... but at least you'll sleep well :-)

(The aim of this post is to temporarily take your mind off the asshole in the photo below.)

Monday, July 26, 2010

No wonder BP chief executive Tony Hayward (the shit) has a smile on his stupid face

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only has BP chief executive Tony Hayward struck a lucrative deal that will see him receive an immediate £600,000-a-year pension when he leaves the firm in October (his reward for destroying the planet and claiming ignorance!), he hasn't even been sacked! 

Instead, the company will nominate him to the board of a joint venture with Russian oligarchs.

Apparently, Hayward’s appointment to TNK-BP, predominantly in the west of Russia, will be confirmed after a board meeting today and before the stock market opens tomorrow morning.

This is a massive blow to the families of those  who were killed, and those whose lives have been destroyed, by the Gulf of Mexico disaster.

This piece of shit will go on getting richer and richer while the oceans turn to oil.



Sunday, July 25, 2010

The British are such assholes in so many ways - especially now that they've voted for BREXIT. Assholes! (updated Sep 2017)

I read this blog entry on Yahoo today. It was written by a comedian called Mark Watson. I've never heard of him before because I don't have a TV and I rarely listen to the radio, but apparently he's very well know in the UK. What he says is so close to my own sentiments that I've decided to paste the entire text here (unabridged). You should read it. This guy speaks the truth:


Mark Watson's News Blog

This week I'm annoyed 

Sun Jul 25 07:00AM

By Mark Watson

Five years after the Government decided that the people of this country, like pretty much everyone else in the world, could be trusted to drink beyond the magically late hour of 11pm, the new rulers of the nation have reversed the decision. Once again, late licences will be almost impossible to come by and drinking will be confined to the end-of-work-until-11pm slot, rather than being spaced out over a night as happens in France, Italy, Spain and everywhere else in Europe where people are capable of acting like adults. The Daily Mail celebrated 'victory' this week as they broke the news. At last, a return to civilization! No more of that awful freedom to enjoy oneself which has brought the country to its knees. No more of those illegal immigrants and spongers propping up the bar at midnight. With a return to our traditional, pathetic drinking hours, we can return to what made our country great.

This infuriates the hell out of me for two reasons. The first is that - as someone who normally finishes work the wrong side of 11 - I don't like being told I can't get a glass of wine in a pub after a gig, because certain people don't understand phrases like 'only drink what you can take' and 'try not to headbutt that man in the face because he looked at your girlfriend'. In the same way that it used to feel unfair at school when the whole class had to stay back because Craig Lyons called the teacher a whore and threw Quality Street at Rizwan, it feels all wrong to punish the people in society who are not idiots just because of the urinating-in-fountains-and-vomiting-in-doorways behaviour of people who are. Can't we differentiate between people who drink all night and then pass out at a bus stop covered in their own wee, and people who just have a couple of glasses of Merlot? Do the latter really have to give up their fun because the former exist?

But what REALLY gets my back up is that the Government is probably right to do this. Because at the end of the day, yes, we really are a nation of binge-drinking morons. I've worked all over the world and been through city centres in Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong, most of Europe, Beijing, Singapore, Toronto, New York and many more places without seeing a shred of evidence that it's necessary to stop people enjoying booze late at night. Walk through Cardiff, Nottingham or Glasgow on a Friday night, though, and you'll agree in five minutes that it probably is. It may sound naive now that when the rule was changed to allow 24-hour drinking, the idea was to create 'a continental drinking culture', i.e. not killing each other. But was it really so crazy? No, it should have been perfectly realistic. But instead of using the extra time to drink in a more measured manner, we just - like the animals we are - went at it for longer, got drunker, and hit people more. The 24-hour drinking experiment has failed, in short, because people here do not understand how to drink.

This is pretty depressing. In this country we're bad at a lot of things, but we pride ourselves on being able to hold our liquor. It turns out we can't even do that: we can hold it for a bit, then throw up all over a policeman while wearing rabbit ears for Maria's crap hen weekend. We don't deserve the freedom we briefly have. We deserve to be ruled by Daily Mail readers. We can't behave, and that's the end of it. It makes me really bloody furious. Pass me that bottle of gin.


 Any comments?


Saturday, July 24, 2010

The best compliment I've ever had

My girlfriend just told me that I'm the most negative person she's ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Fucking great!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Foods you should keep in case of an emergency

I’ve just been reading an article about what types of foods you should stockpile in preparation for a catastrophic disaster. While I'm in general agreement with the list, I'm not entirely happy with the accompanying explanations.

Something that's not mentioned, for example, is that you’ll almost certainly use loads of energy crapping yourself just before the planet disintegrates. For this reason, high-energy, high-protein foods (with loads of fibre!!!) should be at the top of the list.

Let's face it, in a disaster situation, you need calories. You need nutrients and fibre - something to keep your diet normal. After all, maintaining a good diet will be the first thing on your mind as you watch your home being swallowed by a gigantic mile-deep fissure that has just appeared where your front lawn used to be.

And as you’re hanging by your fingernails on the edge of the precipice looking down into the blackness, you’ll be wishing that you hadn’t skipped your usual bowl of All-Bran that morning.

What the fuck! Who needs All-Bran when you’ll be shitting yourself stupid as imminent death looms?

So here are a few things that you should always keep in your pantry if you know for a fact that the world is going to end before lunch:

• Peanut butter: A great source of energy, peanut butter is full of healthful fats and protein. Unless the jar indicates otherwise, you don’t even have to keep it in the fridge after opening … (which is just as well because the fridge is now at the bottom of that gigantic fissure along with the rest of your house. Having said that, if you’d eaten a whole jar of the stuff that morning, you’d be so constipated by now that you wouldn’t be crapping yourself before plummeting into the abyss.)

• Whole-wheat crackers: A good, light-weight, high-fibre replacement for bread … (with that all-essential higher fat content that you’ll need just before you die). Make sure you check the box for expiration dates, though. Whole-grain crackers have a shorter shelf life than their plain counterparts … (so they wouldn’t be much fucking use in the afterlife if they expire before you do!!!).

Nuts and trail mixes: Make sure that you stock up on these high-energy foods. Look for vacuum-packed containers which prevent the nuts from oxidizing and losing their freshness … (after all, you don’t want this to happen as a nuclear winter instantaneously freezes you – and everything around you – to a temperature close to absolute zero).

Cereal: Farting is healthy and might save your life. As you’re hanging on the edge of the precipice, a good fart might just flip you back up again. If, on the other hand, your fate lies in death by freezing, farting may well provide you with enough heat to keep you alive for a further 10 seconds. So make sure you stock plenty of high-fibre, multigrain cereals that are individually packaged so they don’t become stale after opening.

Granola bars and power bars: These portable snacks are healthy, filling and usually stay fresh for at least 6 months … (so there’s no need to panic if your life is about to end).

Dried fruits: In the absence of fresh fruit, dried fruits provide you with a significant amount of nutrients and calories … (which you’re going to need now that your home is at the bottom of a massive crack in the earth, everyone you know is dead, the temperature has dropped to minus 85 Celsius, and you’re standing alone in your underpants on a snow-swept sheet of ice that stretches for thousands of miles in every direction. Fuck!).

Canned tuna, salmon, chicken, or turkey: These generally last at least two years in the pantry … (which, don’t forget, is now smashed to smithereens at least one mile below your dangling feet). Keep in mind, however, that vacuum-packed pouches have a much shorter shelf life … (which might be more suitable now that your own life is about to end!).

• Canned vegetables, soups and chilli: When fresh produce isn’t an option because the whole planet is covered in two miles of ice and you’re the only survivor, canned varieties can provide you with essential nutrients. Also keep in mind that soups and chilli can be eaten straight from the can, which is always useful to know when you’re totally and utterly fucked! But make sure you look for low-sodium options. Too much salt is bad for you.

And last but not least …

Bottled water: Try to stock at least a three-day supply. You’ll need to drink at least six litres of water as your fingertips begin to lose their grip on the edge of the precipice. An average person (is there such a thing?) should drink at least 2 litres of water a day; but now that you’re fighting for your life and shitting bricks, you’ll want to keep your fluid balance in check. There’s no point in dying of thirst, is there?

Oops! Almost forgot …

Sugar, salt and pepper: No catastrophic disaster would be worth the experience without these basic ingredients in your stockpile. After all, if you’re going to die of starvation, it might as well taste good!

And finally (I really mean it this time) …

Don’t forget to include a good supply of Multivitamins Supplements. They’ll help to replace the nutrients you’ll lose after you hit the bottom of that fissure at 200 miles an hour.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Another uplifting thought

The way you look right now is the last time you'll ever look that way.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

A few of my more famous quotes

1. Everything in life goes stale, including me ................. so who gives a fuck about the pectin in my marmalade!

2. The early worm catches the bird.

3. If you hurry, it'll take longer.

Life on Earth gets wiped out every 27 million years

Apparently, much of life on Earth gets regularly wiped out every 27 million years, according to Richard K Bambach of the Smithsonian Institution and astronomer Adrian Melott. It had been thought that this was caused by a dark star named "Nemesis", but apparently that was wrong. The next global-extinction event is due in about 16 million years' time.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Something to think about

My girlfriend said this to me yesterday:

"If there's one sure thing in life, no matter how big a fucking asshole you're dealing with, there's always a bigger one waiting just around the corner".

Yes, you're right ... she's almost as bright as me :-)